Christianity is a Family Affair - Part Two

Once upon a time there was a little boy who got into a lot of trouble with his parents. He had to be disciplined and sent to his room. While he was serving his time there, he came up with a brilliant idea. He got out a paper and pencil, and wrote the following letter which he then taped to his parent’s bedroom door. The note said:

Dear parents,

Please be nice to your children and they will be nice to you.

Signed, God

We come today to the wonderful subject of family living. And that little boy’s letter has a great deal of insight into the Bible’s teaching on the subject of child-rearing. You see, the Bible says that success in family living is a two way street.

We saw last week how that is true in marriage. And likewise in the process of raising a family, there are responsibilities on both sides of the relationship. God gives responsibilities to parents, but he also gives responsibilities to children. And our job today is to find out what they are.

Because family living has never been in more trouble than it is today. It is not unusual to pick up a newspaper and find stories about children who have been abused, abandoned, and even killed by their parents. Other stories tell of parents who have been manipulated, manhandled, and even murdered by their own children.

The Bible says that in the last days people will be “lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love…” and the list goes on and on. And we are seeing that in families today. So we need to get back to the Bible’s recipe for building strong and stable families.

It’s found in Colossians 3:20–21, and we’re also going to look at a parallel passage in Ephesians 6, so I’d like you to find that in your Bible as well. By the way, Paul wrote the books of Colossians and Ephesians at almost the same time, so there is a lot of similarity between the two. The Colossians passage is found on page 1167; the Ephesians passage is on page 1159. Let’s see what the Bible says:

Col. 3:20–21 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

Eph. 6:1–4 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—“that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Okay, there’s obviously two sections here—one that’s for kids, and the other that’s for parents. Let’s take the kids’ section first.

Who is God talking to here? Well, it says “children”, but what does that mean? How old do you have to be before you are no longer a child?

Well, the Greek word that is used here is the word “tekna”, and it simply means “children”. There is another word that the Bible uses for little children—it’s the word “teknia”. It’s a diminutive form of the word “tekna”. But that’s not the word that’s used here.

The word that is used here simply means children of any age. Children who are still living in a family relationship with their parents. Children who have not yet become independent adults, living out on their own. Children who are still living under their parents’ roof; children who are still dependent in some way on their parents.

So that extends right up through the teenage years in our society. If you can be claimed as a dependent on your father’s income tax, then you are still a child, according to the Bible’s definition of the term. You are not living on your own. You are not an independent adult. Even though you can vote, even though you can drive a car, even though you have a part-time job, you are still under the headship of your parents.

What are children to do? Children are to obey their parents. Now hear me out, kids, because we’re going to get to the parent’s side of this deal in a few minutes. What does it mean to obey your parents?

The Bible uses a very interesting Greek word for “obey” there. It is the word “hupakouete” and it comes from the word “akouo”, which means to hear. We get our word acoustic from that same word. Obedience has something to do with hearing.

The Bible says that obeying your parents has two parts:

1. Hearing them. Listening to them. This is where it starts. Proverbs says “A wise son hears and obeys his father’s instruction, but a fool does not listen. Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.”

In other words, if you have stopped listening to your parents; if you have turned them off and tuned them out because you think they have nothing to say to you—you are well on your way to becoming a fool.

Obedience begins with listening. Children, if your Mom or your Dad calls you while you are watching a TV show, and you don’t answer, what are you doing? You’re not listening. Learn to listen to your parents.

2. Doing what they want you to do. Obedience doesn’t mean listening to your parents and then going out and doing what you want to do. It means doing what they want you to do. And doing it habitually. This word “obey” is in the present tense. It means “keep on obeying”. Do it all the time. Make a habit of it.

Wait a minute! Does that mean that I have to obey my parents whatever they want me to do? Well, look at the next part of verse 20…

How much are you to obey your parents? The Bible says “in everything”. That’s rather comprehensive isn’t it? Not a whole lot of loopholes there! Let me ask you a question: Why does God expect you to obey your parents in everything? I’ll tell you why.

Because God expects your parents to be the kind of people he describes in the next verse—people who have your best interests at heart, people who aren’t going to tell you do something stupid that’ll tear you down and wreck your life.

You say: What if I don’t have parents like that? What if my Mom or Dad tells me to do something that I know is wrong. What if they tell me to lie, or cheat ,or steal, or cover up for something bad that they have done? Should I obey them in that?

The answer in those situations is no. If your parents tell you to do something that goes against God’s standards for right living, you’ve got to talk to your parents about that and tell them “Mom and Dad, I love you. But I just can’t do what you’re telling me to do. And here’s why. And if you want to punish me for disobeying you, that’s alright. I’ll bear the punishment, because I want to do what God wants me to do.”

But that kind of situation hardly ever happens. We’re talking more about the kind of day to day situations where your parents tell you to do something that you don’t feel like doing. Your Mom wants you to get a haircut. Your Dad wants you to take out the garbage when you’re right in the middle of watching your favorite TV show. Mom wants you to clean your room. That kind of stuff. How are you going to respond?

Well, let me tell you that you can obey them in those situations without really obeying. In fact, there are three kinds of obedience that are actually disobedience.

1. Delayed obedience is disobedience. Suppose you are watching your favorite TV show when your Mom calls you to come for supper. 10 minutes later you show up at the table. Technically, you’ve obeyed her. But you really haven’t obeyed, have you?

What you are doing when you delay obedience is you’re saying “My priorities are really more important to me than obeying my parents. I’ll do what they want me to do when it suits me to do it—when I feel like getting around to it.” And that is an attitude of disobedience.

2. Incomplete obedience is disobedience. Your parents ask you to clean up your room. So you go in there, pick up a few of the most obvious things on the floor, shove the rest of them under the bed, toss a few things in the closet and shut the door. And you’re done. You say “That’s good enough.”

Is that what your parents had in mind when they asked you to clean up your room? No. So while appearing to obey them, you’ve actually disobeyed them, because your obedience was incomplete.

The Bible tells us what God thinks of incomplete obedience. You find it in 1Samuel 15. God told King Saul to fight the Amalekites and kill every last one of them, including all their sheep and cattle, because God was punishing them for what they had done to Israel. So King Saul did that, except that he spared the Amalekite king and the best of the animals, thinking that he’d keep them for himself.

And God said “I am grieved that I have made Saul king, because he has turned away from me and has not carried out my instructions.” God hates incomplete obedience.

3. Insincere obedience is disobedience. Once upon a time there was a little girl who was behaving very badly in school. She kept getting up out of her seat and moving around the classroom when she wasn’t supposed to, pestering the other students. She just refused to sit down and behave.

Finally, her teacher took her by the hand over to her chair, sat her down, and said “You are going to sit there for the rest of the day, or you are going to the Principal’s office.”

And the little girl replied: “I may be sitting down on the outside, but I’m standing up on the inside.”

Insincere obedience is when we obey outwardly without having our hearts in it. You go through the motions of obeying, but all the while, you are seething and rebelling inside. God is not pleased with that kind of obedience.

Why should children obey their parents? Because it pleases the Lord. That’s a good reason for doing it. And Ephesians 6 tells us why it pleases the Lord:

1. Because it’s the right thing to do. There are right things and wrong things that we can do in this world. Obeying your parents is one of the right things. And God loves it when we do the right things, because God loves righteousness.

2. Because it’s the honorable thing to do. When you obey your parents, you are honoring them. And when you honor your parents, you honor God. Because God is the one who chose your parents for you. In His sovereignty, he put you into your family. That was something you had no control over.

And when you honor your father and mother, you’re really saying “God, I appreciate what you did when you placed me in this family. And I want to express my gratitude to you by obeying and honoring my parents.”

3. Because it’s the smart thing to do. Look at what it says in Ephesians 6:3

“Honor your father and mother…that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

Now there’s more to this than meets the eye. One of the most important lessons we all have to learn if we’re going to be successful in life is how to live under authority. Everywhere you look, we are surrounded by authority. There are laws in the community, rules you have to obey in school, and when you drive a car. When you get a job, you have to abide by the rules of your employer. You have to obey your boss.

And the family is God’s way of getting us ready to live and succeed in that kind of a world—a world of authority.

Now if you choose to rebel against your parents, you are throwing away the very tools that God wants to use to make you into a successful person.

There is a myth in our society that needs exploding. That myth is that people who were rebellious, hell-raising kids turn out to be the most successful adults. The truth is that studies have shown that the most successful, well-adjusted adults in our society were compliant kids who didn’t have major problems with their parents.

In fact, I read recently about the owner of a major business. This man often interviews candidates for executive positions in his company. And he always makes a habit of asking a job applicant to describe his relationship with his parents when he was growing up.

Because this man has found that people who were rebellious in their youth—people who had trouble getting along with their parents, and accepting their parents’ authority—are going to also have trouble learning to work under his authority in his company.

So building a positive relationship with your parents and learning to honor them and obey them is going to stand you in good stead later in life. It’s the smart thing to do.

Well, now we want to look at God’s instructions for parents.

Parenting is one of the most wonderful privileges of life. President Theodore Roosevelt once said “It is very interesting and attractive to be a successful businessman, or farmer, or lawyer, or doctor, or President. But for unflagging interest and enjoyment, a house full of children makes all other forms of success and achievement lose their importance by comparison.”

Let’s see what God has to say to parents in Col. 3:21.

Who is being addressed here? Well, the word is translated “fathers” because that’s exactly what it means. But that same word is also used elsewhere in Scripture (such as Heb. 11:23) to mean “parents”.

So God is addressing both parents here—you’re included Mom, and especially if you are a single Mom. You are the parent for your children.

But God is especially addressing fathers here because fathers tend to be more prone to alienating their children and possibly leaving scars on their character by doing the things that are warned against in verse 21.

Also, a father in many ways represents God in a young child’s life. And how he handles that role of authority and power will have a lot to do with how that child will grow up thinking about God. I know a lot of adults who are afraid of God, or bitter against God, or running away from God because they had a father who was a tyrant and abused his authority in the home.

Now what are fathers—or parents to do? Or more specifically, what are we NOT to do? The Bible says “Do not embitter your children” (KJV - “do not provoke them to anger.”) What does that mean?

Well, the Greek word is “erithizo” and it means literally, to stir up. Let’s suppose that you are out in a rowboat on a shallow lake that has a muddy bottom. You dig your oar into the bottom of the lake and stir up all the mud. Now the water is all cloudy and silty, and it takes a long time to get clear again. That’s the picture behind this word.

Parents, don’t stir up, or disturb, your children by misusing and abusing your authority over them. Don’t harass them by constantly poking at them and jabbing at them with the “oar” of your authority.

Why? Because if you do, you will muddy their lives with anger and resentment and bitterness. Then they will not be able to see God clearly or life clearly.

They will become discouraged. The Greek here means literally “they will lose heart”. They will become listless, and sullen, and downcast. You will take the heart right out of them. You will break their spirit.

If a child lives with criticism, he will learn to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility, he will learn to fight.

If a child lives with fear, he will learn to be apprehensive.

If a child lives with pity, he will learn to feel sorry for himself.

If a child lives with ridicule, he will learn to be shy.

But If a child lives with tolerance, he will learn to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement, he will learn to be confident.

If a child lives with praise, he will learn to be grateful.

If a child lives with acceptance, he will learn to love.

Parenting is an art. It is not a science, as much as we would like to make it so. It is an art. And the art of parenting—the art of wielding parental authority—comes down to learning how to bend a child’s will without breaking his spirit.

There is a delicate balance in this matter of wielding parental authority—a balance that is not always easy to find. On the one hand, some parents relinquish all authority in the lives of their kids out of fear that they might misuse it, or that their children might resent it. Other parents go to the opposite extreme of “over-parenting”—constantly imposing their authority on their children out of a fear of losing authority altogether.

Parental authority is like a sword in the hands of a father. He can either use that sword to protect his children, or he can use that sword to wound them. And if I have learned anything in the almost 18 years I have been a parent, I have learned that I cannot gain skill in wielding that sword without the constant help of God Almighty.

What are some ways that we can keep from discouraging our children?

1. Spend time with them. There is an old story about a great English lawyer who had a son who also grew up to be a famous attorney. In those days, it was fashionable for men to keep a diary. After his father had died, the son was going through the great man’s diaries, when he came upon this entry for a particular date:

The father had written: “Went fishing with my son—a day wasted.”

The son, remembering well that event, looked up that same date in his own diary and there he read these words written in his own boyish hand: “Went fishing with my father today—the most wonderful day of my life.”

The greatest gift a father can give his children is to spend time with them. Now I know that in these days of frantic schedules there is much said about the importance of quality time. But I am of the opinion that there will be no quality time unless there is quantity time.

Your children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them. And time spent with them is the greatest thing you can do.

2. Listen to them. Have you ever taken time to really enter into conversation with your child? A recent study showed that the average American father spends approximately 37 seconds per day in meaningful interaction with his pre-schooler.

A family-life specialist named Dr. Delmer Holbrook, conducted a survey among hundreds of children across America. He found that the three most common things fathers say in response to their children are: “I’m too tired; We don’t have enough money; and Keep quiet.”

There once was a young man who was arrested and convicted for forging checks. It so happened that this man’s father, who was no longer alive, had been a famous legal expert. He had written many authoritative textbooks on the law.

The judge on the case happened to recognize the family name, and discovered that the convicted forger who stood before his bench was that great lawyer’s son. When the time for sentencing came, the judge said sternly “Young man, do you remember your father—that father whom you have disgraced?”

“I remember him well, your Honor.” replied the young man quietly. “I remember that whenever I went to him for advice or companionship, he would always say ‘Run along, boy, I’m busy writing.’ Well, my father finished writing his books, and here I am.”

One teenage girl was having a very hard time getting through to her mother. Finally, in frustration, she cried out “You took time to have me, but you won’t take time to listen to me.”

One of the greatest things we can do for our kids is to listen to them.

3. Provide clear standards for them. Young Johnny went to answer the ringing phone one Saturday afternoon when his father said “If it’s that guy from the office, tell him I’m not home.”

That evening, the family went out for dinner. After they had paid for the meal, Johnny’s mother noticed that the waitress had given them too much change. “That’s their tough luck.” muttered the father as he pocketed the change.

One the way home, Johnny’s father joked about the little black box that sat on the dashboard of their car, bragging that his new “fuzz buster” had already paid for itself in the speeding tickets he had avoided.

Later that night, Johnny finished up his Sunday School lesson and thought about what a great day it had been. Much better than last Saturday, when his father had grounded him for cheating on his math test at school.

Are you sending mixed signals to your kids about what is right and what is wrong? We live in a world where right and wrong are not clearly marked anymore, and standards are up for a lot of interpretation.

The way we teach kids about alcohol is a good example. Schools and communities have campaigns against drunk driving and alcohol abuse. Yet the same adults who stand up there and tell kids how dangerous alcohol is think nothing of having a few beers or a cocktail.

They seem to be totally unaware that the message they are sending to their kids is that it is okay to drink and that drinking is an adult way to have fun. So what message are the kids going to come away with?

Author Philip Yancey tells of how a friend of his was out swimming in a lake at dusk when a sudden fog bank rolled in. Here was the man out in the middle of the lake and he has no way of knowing where the shore was. Even though he was a good swimmer, he was panic stricken, because he didn’t know where the boundaries were.

One of the best things you can do for your kids is to let them know where the boundaries are.

4. Be consistent in disciplining them. Dear Abby received the following letter from a girl in Cleveland:

My problem is my mother. She’s too lenient! After she disciplines me, she often will apologize. Why should she apologize, when I knew I deserved her punishment? Signed… Mixed up in Cleveland

So Abby replied, Dear Mixed up,

Your mother, like so many parents, fears that you will love her less because she has disciplined you. But she is wrong. No child ever resented punishment when they knew that they deserved it. Your mother’s discipline is actually “proof” that she loves you, and children instinctively “know” this. I only wish that more parents did.

One day your children will thank you if you stay consistent in this matter of discipline.

There’s much more we could say on this issue, but our time is gone. Let me close with a poem from Khalil Gibran—as he shares what it means to be a parent.

You are the bow from which your children, as living arrows, are sent forth.

The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

And He bends you with His might that His arrows might go swift and far.

Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

So He loves also the bow that is stable.