Being Authentic in Relationships

We live in a world where people are starving for meaningful relationships. As the population density increases, our relational intimacy decreases. In rural Canada back in the 1930’s, it was routine to know the family who lived in the next farmhouse three miles away better than the typical modern-day apartment dweller knows his next door neighbor living on the other side of a concrete wall eighteen inches away.

As human beings living in close proximity, we have become anonymous to one another—something that would have been unthinkable a hundred years ago.

Technology and the internet allows us to reach out and come into contact with more people than ever before in history. But has it led to a deepening of relationships? Think of how many acquaintances you have versus how many true friendships. It isn’t how many names you have in the Address Book of your Palm Pilot; it’s how many people you have written on your heart. It isn’t how many meetings you have in your weekly schedule, it’s how much time do you take to really develop relationships?

The Bible is a book that is based on the premise that relationship is the most important value in the universe. As human beings, we have been created for relationship—relationship with God and relationship with one another.

The Bible tells us how our relationship with God has been broken and has to be re-established. And because that relationship is broken, the relationships between ourselves and other people tend to be broken and dysfunctional, too. The Bible tells us how they can be fixed. So the BIble is a book that is first and foremost a book about relationships.

If we are going to be authentic as followers of Jesus Christ, we are going to be people who recognize how important relationships are. We cannot live as though true, deep, meaningful relationships don’t matter. We cannot become modern monastics—people who try to pursue their spiritual lives independently, in isolation from others.

This is a great danger in the modern evangelical church. We come together on Sundays, we call ourselves a community—a family even. We engage in small talk and friendly banter over coffee in the foyer. And then we go our separate ways.

How much do we have to do with one another throughout the week? How much do we truly enter into one another’s lives?

(We are currently trying to develop a plan to make small group ministries a vital component of our church’s life. Because it is only in a small group that you can really begin to build meaningful relationships with other Christians. We don’t want church to be a once-a-week superficial experience.)

We need the fellowship of others in the Body of Christ, and they need us.

And this truth is beautifully illustrated in the life of the Apostle Paul. We often think of Paul as a great spiritual giant—a man who lived a magnificent life way up on a spiritual pedestal. We almost tend to think of him as a loner—like a pioneer missionary who went into uncharted territory with the Gospel message.

And yet that picture is basically false. Paul was a man who surrounded himself with people. Remember that old song by Barbra Streisand—”People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” Well, by that definition, the Apostle Paul must have been one of the luckiest men alive, because his life was full of relationships.

Paul was a great friend-maker. There are over 100 people mentioned in the NT who were friends and associates of Paul. Paul was networking with other people before they even invented the word. Why? Because Paul knew that he couldn’t live his life authentically as a follower of Jesus Christ alone.

In the last several verses of Colossians 4, there is a list of some of the friends of Paul. And what I’d like to do today is for us to go through that list and find out what kind of friends Paul had. What kind of people were they? What did they add to Paul’s life, and how did he impact theirs? What can we learn about authentic relationships?

I’ve divided this list of Paul’s friends into five headings:

• the friends who conveyed

• the friends who stayed

• a friend who prayed

• a friend who strayed

• the friends who obeyed.

1. The friends who conveyed.

On June 24, 1940, in the darkest hour of the Second World War, the British cruiser Emerald set sail from Scotland with a very unusual cargo in her hold. It was the height of the Battle of Britain, and the Nazi armies were poised to invade England at any moment.

In the face of this desperate threat, Winston Churchill committed his government to one of the greatest financial gambles in history. He had decided to send all of Britain’s gold across the Atlantic to Canada to prevent it from possibly falling into the hands of Adolf Hitler. The only way to get it there was by ship.

The cruiser Emerald was carrying the first of those shipments. Stashed in her hold was roughly $500 million worth of gold bullion, coins, and other securities. Some of the ship’s decks were actually sagging under the weight of the load.

The Emerald was followed across the Atlantic by numerous other shipments. When these ships arrived in Halifax, they were unloaded in strict secrecy and cover of darkness. Their precious cargo was placed on armored trains and taken to Ottawa where it was stored in the basement of a small office building on Wellington St. And during the years of the war, that office building held more gold than any place in the world, with the exception of Fort Knox in the United States.

The amazing thing is that Churchill’s great gamble, with almost $10 billion worth of gold shipped across the Atlantic, was completely successful. Not a single gold bar was lost in spite of the fact that the German U-boats virtually owned the North Atlantic at the time. During that time, 134 Allied ships were sunk, but not one of them was a gold carrier.

Now I tell you that story to tell you this: for all of the value of the cargo on those ships, no more precious cargo has ever been carried than that which was entrusted to the two young men we read about in Col. 4:7–9.

Tychicus and Onesimus—Paul calls them faithful, dear brothers—were carrying not only Paul’s greetings to the Colossian church, but three of the original manuscripts of the NT. As they travelled that dangerous 500 mile journey from Rome to Asia Minor, they had in their knapsacks the letter of Paul to the Colossian church; the letter of Paul to the Ephesian church; and the letter of Paul to Philemon. Think of the enormous impact those letters have had over the past 2,000 years. If even one of those original manuscripts were around today, any museum in the world would pay a king’s ransom to have it.

What kind of men were they to be entrusted with such an important mission? Well, Tychicus was a faithful minister; a fellow servant of Paul. He’s mentioned in the book of Acts, Ephesians, Titus and 2 Timothy, and it seems as though he had been a friend of Paul’s for a long time.

The thing that stands out about him is that he was faithful. You could depend on him. Someone has said that the greatest ability in the world is dependability. Tychicus had it. How about you? Can people count on you? Are you a faithful friend?

And then there was Onesimus. He was a slave who had run away from his master. Stolen from his master. Both of those were capital offences in the Roman Empire. He was probably pretty young, and frightened. He made his way to Rome—probably to lose himself in that crowded city—but he somehow came in contact with Paul and became a follower of Jesus Christ.

Now he was going to go back to his master to make amends—you can read about the details in the book of Philemon. He was making a new start, and Paul was ready to give him the chance to do that. He had confidence in Onesimus; he believed in him because he had seen God’s grace do a work in that young man’s life. That’s what grace is all about—it’s all about making a new start.

How about you? Do you extend grace to people the way Paul did to Onesimus?

Tychicus and Onesimus were the two friends who conveyed Paul’s letters from Rome.

2. There were four friends who stayed in Rome with Paul.

They are Aristarchus, John Mark, Jesus Justus, and Luke as we see in v. 10,11, and 14.

Now the fact that they stayed with Paul doesn’t sound very remarkable until you realize that Paul was not a free man. He was under arrest. He was a prisoner. He was chained night and day to a Roman guard.

I have never had the experience of being a prisoner, but I have visited many prisoners in jail and I know that being in jail is not a pleasant experience. It is significant that one of the commands the Lord gives us in the 13th chapter of the book of Hebrews is to “Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners”

Paul was a prisoner, and Aristarchus was there with him—he calls Aristarchus his fellow prisoner. You know that expression “a fair weather friend”? Well this man Aristarchus was a “foul weather friend”. He went through a lot of hard times with Paul.

He was there when the people of Ephesus rioted against Paul in Acts 19. He was with Paul when the ship on which they were sailing to Rome got caught in a hurricane, broke up and sank. He and Paul and the others dragged themselves ashore on the island of Malta like drowned rats. And now, here he was with Paul again, in prison.

Do you have friends you can count on when the going gets rough? Some friends are like shadows. When the sun is shining and all is bright, they are right there by your side. But when the storm clouds gather and the darkness looms, like shadows, they disappear. Aristarchus was a true friend—a brother who was born for adversity.

And then there was John Mark. You may already know the story about John Mark. At one time, Paul thought that John Mark was a quitter. He didn’t have much use for him, because John Mark had bailed out on Paul during his first missionary journey.

But under the mentorship of his cousin Barnabas, John Mark had developed into a solid servant—faithful, reliable. Barnabas extended grace to John Mark.

And now, many years later, Paul was willing to recognize that God had done a work in John Mark’s life. He was willing to forgive and forget the past, and to welcome John Mark into his circle of friends. In fact, John Mark became a trusted, valuable friend for the rest of Paul’s life.

At the very end of his life, as he languished in a Roman dungeon awaiting execution, one of Paul’s last requests was for John Mark to come and be with him. Paul wrote to Timothy “Get Mark and bring him with you, because he is helpful to me in my ministry”.

How about you? Is there anybody you need to rebuild some bridges with? Mend some fences with? We need to give God credit for being able to change people.

The third friend who stayed with Paul was Jesus Justus—a man we know hardly anything about. He’s only mentioned here in the Bible. He was Jewish. His Hebrew name was really Joshua—Jesus is just the Greek form of that. Justus would have been his Roman name.

The only thing we know about him was that he was a comfort to Paul, as it says in v. 11. The word comfort in Greek is the word “paragoria”. It means to soothe, or to relieve. There is actually an old English word for medicine, or ointment—the word is “paragoric” and it comes directly from this Greek word. Jesus Justus was like good medicine.

There’s a man named Rev. Phil Philips who has a unique ministry not far from here. Phil is the national director of chaplaincy services for the Fellowship Baptist Churches of Canada. He also happens to be a chaplain at Pearson International Airport, ministering to the 56,000 employees who work there, and the countless thousands of travelers who pass through there.

Three years ago, in 1998, Phil Philips was present in Peggy’s Cove, Nova Scotia in the immediate aftermath of the Swissair DC10 disaster. He says that that experience taught him the power of the presence of God within us when we come in His name.

Support workers who were trying to help the devastated families cope with that tragedy told Philips “the moment we saw the clergy move in, we felt the presence of peace and comfort move in with them, without them “doing” anything, just the Spirit of God coming with them”.

People going through a crisis, people who are in anguish, or grief don’t need a sermon. They don’t need a theological treatise as to why this is happening to them—they just need a person who comes in the name of the Lord just to be with them, to comfort them.

Father Tim, the beloved Episcopal priest in Jan Karon’s best-selling Mitford novels prays a brief little prayer every time he gets to the door of the church office to begin a new day. He prays “Father, make me a blessing to someone today, through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

Jesus Justus wasn’t a famous person, but he was a significant person, because he was a comfort to the people around him. Do you have that kind of influence on the people around you? Are you a comfort, or are you an irritant? Do people smile when they see you coming? Or do they shudder?

The last friend who stayed with Paul in Rome was Dr. Luke. Of all the people around Paul, Luke was probably his best friend. Paul calls him his “dear friend” in v. 14. From a cultural perspective, that was unusual, because Luke was a Gentile and Paul was a Jew. And not just any kind of Jew—a strict conservative Jew. He had grown up to become a Pharisee—someone who, for religious reasons, would cross the street rather than to let the shadow of a Gentile fall upon him.

And now here he was calling Luke, a Gentile, one of his closest friends. That’s what having Jesus Christ in your life does for you. He takes away the racism, the prejudice. He takes away the man-made barriers that keep us from entering into authentic relationships with other people.

One of the wonderful things that I have experienced at Erindale Bible Chapel is the cultural diversity of our congregation. We come from dozens of different countries, and yet Christ has made us one. What a privilege it is to have friends from other cultures!

One of the reasons that Luke became such a good friend of Paul’s was that Luke was a very intelligent man. Like Paul, he was well educated. He was a medical doctor, but he was also a man of letters—judging by his writing, he was an extremely good communicator—articulate, eloquent. We can just imagine Paul and Luke sitting around the campfire engaged in deep discussions together.

Luke was an accomplished author. He wrote the Gospel of Luke and the Book of Acts. Linguistically, the most polished Greek in the Bible was written by Luke. He could express ideas superbly. In fact, if you actually count the words of the NT, God used this man Luke—a Gentile—to write more of the NT than even the Apostle Paul.

Luke was a doctor, a historian, a writer, an adventurer—but most of all, he was a friend. At the end of 2 Timothy, which Paul wrote at the end of his life while he was in a dungeon awaiting execution, Paul said “Only Luke is with me.”

Do you have a friend like that? Maybe a better question to ask is “Are you a friend like that.” When you come to the end of your life, who’s going to be there with you? Luke was a friend who stayed til the end.

3. There was a friend who prayed.

Epaphras was his name. We met Epaphras back in the first chapter of Colossians, where Paul calls him “our dear fellow servant”. Epaphras was the man who was responsible for the founding of the Colossian church. Look at what Paul says about him in verse 12:

Epaphras, who is one of you and a servant of Christ Jesus, sends greetings. He is always wrestling in prayer for you, that you may stand firm in all the will of God, mature and fully assured. I vouch for him that he is working hard for you and for those at Laodicea and Hierapolis.

One of the most significant things you can do to develop authentic relationships is to pray for people. The act of praying for someone gives you a stake in that person’s life. You make an investment in people when you pray for them.

There are four things that we learn about Epaphras’ prayer life in v. 12:

1. He prayed constantly - he was “always wrestling in prayer”. It wasn’t just a flash in the pan. The ministry of prayer was a consistent part of his life.

2. He prayed fervently - he “wrestled” in prayer. The Greeks used that word to describe how an athlete trains for competition—he strains, he labors, he sweats. Luke used that word to describe how Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. It was a wrestling in prayer. Prayer is hard work. Epaphras was willing to do that hard work.

3. He prayed personally - Paul told the Colossian Christians that Epaphras was wrestling in prayer “for you”. And not only for the Colossians, but also for the Christians at Hierapolis and Laodicea. He prayed for specific people. His prayers were personal.

4. He prayed strategically - he prayed for their spiritual growth. He prayed that they would stand firm in the will of God, that they would be mature, and that they would be fully assured in their relationship with Christ.

Epaphras was a friend who prayed. Are you praying for people? Are you praying constantly, fervently, personally, and strategically?

4. There was a friend who strayed.

His name was Demas (v. 14). He’s listed in the Bible three times: here in Col. 4; in Philemon 24; and in 2 Timothy 4:10. When Paul wrote this letter, Demas was part of his inner circle of friends. But about 5 years later, Paul wrote 2 Timothy. There, he wrote “Demas, because he loved this world, has deserted me.”

And you can almost feel the sadness in Paul’s heart. One of the risks of building authentic relationships with people is that, sooner or later, you’re going to get hurt. People are people; we’re all sinners. And sooner or later, somebody you trust is going to let you down. You’re going to be rejected; stabbed in the back, left in the lurch; disappointed.

Jesus felt that. He felt it from Judas. He felt it from Peter. He felt it from all his disciples who abandoned him except John.

Demas was Paul’s friend here in Colossians, but by the end of Paul’s life, Demas had left. He left because he had his priorities wrong. He loved the world more than he loved the Lord. And that caused him to abandon someone who was counting on him.

If God isn’t the #1 priority at the center of your life, you’re going to let people down. Demas is a reminder that relationships can be risky. He was the friend who strayed.

5. There were some friends who obeyed.

First there was Nympha, a lady who obeyed the Bible’s command to exercise hospitality.

1 Peter 4:9 Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.

Romans 12:13 Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Hebrews 13:2 Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.

This woman Nympha was so hospitable that she allowed the church at Colosse to meet at her house every week. Ladies, how would you like to have all of us in your living room every Sunday? I’ll tell you one thing—Nympha probably wasn’t one of those Martha Stewart people whose house has to be perfect before she could have company.

Then there were the Laodiceans. Look at what Paul says in v. 16: After this letter has been read to you, see that it is also read in the church of the Laodiceans and that you in turn read the letter from Laodicea.

Over in 1Timothy 4:13, Paul commands Timothy to “devote himself to the public reading of Scripture…”

When we gather together for worship, it is important that we read the Scriptures together. God’s word is the basis of our faith. It has tremendous power to convict and change and heal our lives. We need to hear it. We need to read it.

The early church circulated the letters of Paul which God had inspired. They made copies of them. They read them publicly. So the Laodiceans had a letter that they were supposed to read—maybe it was the letter that Paul had written to the Ephesians; then they were to swap letters and read the one that Paul had sent to the Colossians. And we assume that they obeyed this command.

Finally, Paul talks about a man named Archippus in v. 17:

Tell Archippus: “See to it that you complete the work you have received in the Lord.”

Archippus is mentioned at the beginning of the book of Philemon. Paul calls him “his fellow soldier”. Many scholars think that Archippus might have been the son of Philemon, and perhaps a pastor or an elder in the church at Colosse.

At any rate, Paul challenges him here to complete the work that God had given him to do. What was that work? We don’t know. But it is significant that Paul cared enough about him to exhort him to do what God wanted him to do.

One of the characteristics of authentic relationships is that we care enough about each other to admonish one another. Hebrews 10:24 says:

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.

Now I’m sure if you asked a horse if he enjoyed being spurred, he would say “No way.” And yet, a little spur here and there helps him to get where he needs to go.

An authentic friend is a friend who will confront you and tell you the truth about yourself in love, and who will exhort you, even when that might be difficult for you to hear. The Bible says “faithful are the wounds of a friend.” Paul admonished Archippus to carry through to completion what God wanted him to do.

So there we have it. Some lessons from Paul’s friends. If you are a Christian, you’d better be building authentic relationships with others in the Body of Christ. Don’t try to go it alone—don’t be independent, don’t get isolated in your faith. The Apostle Paul wasn’t a Christian loner. He had many people around him that he relied upon, that he leaned on. And you and I need those kinds of relationships, too.