Friendship – the Quiet Grace 1 Samuel 18-20

Over the past month, as we have struggled to come to grips with our new set of circumstances, God has impressed us over and over again with his presence and his involvement in our lives.

One of the major things he has been teaching us is the value of friendship. We have been amazed to realize just how many friends we have – people who care about us, who are interested in our lives, and who want to stand with us and support us as we go through this hard time together.

And I have come to realize just how much of a “grace” friendship is. By grace, I mean something that God uses to bless us, to pour out his goodness upon us, and to accomplish his work in our lives. But friendship is a rather “quiet” grace

We often take our friends for granted
We don’t always see the hand of God at work in our lives through our friendships

But friendship is mentioned often in the Bible. For example, there are many Proverbs that deal with friends and friendship:

Proverbs. 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
Proverbs. 18:24 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs. 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Proverbs. 27:9 Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.

Jesus spoke often about friends and friendship, and he himself had many friends – he illustrated the grace of friendship in his own life through his interaction with his disciples and with people like Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. In fact, he built his whole ministry around friendship – so much so that his enemies criticized him for being “a friend of sinners”.

Many of Jesus parables revolve around the theme of friendship:

Suppose your friend comes to you in the middle of the night and starts pounding on your door and says “I need three loaves of bread, right away!”…
Suppose a woman has found a valuable coin that she has been looking for a long time. What’s she going to do when she finds it? She’s going to call her friends together and have a party! That’s what friends are for!

One time, Jesus healed a paralyzed man who was brought to him by his four friends; they were determined to get him to Jesus so they dug a hole in the roof of the house and lowered their friend down in front of Jesus so that he could heal him. And Jesus was so impressed by the faith of that man’s friends, that he healed him.

Jesus said…

John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this: that he lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

The Apostle Paul had many friends. He was always concluding his letters with greetings to his many friends around the Mediterranean world. He was a man who appreciated the quiet grace of friendship.

But there is one Bible story that above all others has been remembered down through the years as a wonderful picture of friendship. It is the story of David and Jonathan. It is found in 1 Samuel 18-20. (p. 204 – pew Bible)

Jonathan was the son of King Saul, the first king of Israel. Normally, that would have made Jonathann next in line for the throne. But because of Saul’s disobedience, God had decided to take the throne away from Saul’s family, and give it instead to a young man named David.

This angered Saul; indeed it drove him insane with jealousy – the fact that God’s favor had departed from him and had settled on David instead. But Jonathan, Saul’s son, was not similarly affected. When he met David, he liked him, he admired him, he enjoyed his company. And we read in 18:1…

Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.

But Saul’s attitude toward David alternated between a grudging acceptance of his military prowess and heroic exploits (ch 17 – David killed the giant Goliath), and a murderous rage and hatred of David.

This was the climate in which David and Jonathan’s friendship flowered and grew. God can make a friendship blossom in the strangest of places, and under the oddest of circumstances!

We do not have time to read all three chapters of 1 Samuel this morning. What I want to do is to extract several key characteristics of friendship from what we learn of the relationship between David and Jonathan. And then we’ll try to see what these qualities might look like if we put them into practice in our lives today, keeping in mind that friendship is a grace given to us by God.

A friend is someone who is willing to link his/her spirit with mine
1. Jonathan loved David and became one in spirit with him (18:1)
  1. KJV - the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.
  2. More than just sharing common interests – e.g. archery or horseback riding
  3. Literally, their souls/spirits were “knotted” together as you would knot a sash around your waist.
2. (18:3-4) Jonathan made a covenant with David – he gave him his robe, tunic, sword, bow, belt – the symbols of his power and privilege and authority as the king’s son
  1. He was willing to share with David whatever blessings and resources God had given him – didn’t hold anything back.
  2. Remember – Jonathan was supposed to be next in line to the throne. By giving these articles to David, he was as much as saying “I am giving my place, my rights, my status as heir of the throne of Israel to you.”
  3. When you think of this in the spiritual realm, Jesus did the exact same thing for us – as the king’s son, he made us his fellow-heirs. He shares his power, position, privileges, with us!
3. This covenant of friendship between Jonathan and David was to benefit other people – future generations – e.g. David looked after Jonathan’s son Mephibosheth – he will always eat at my table. He treated M. as one of his own sons.
  1. 2 Sam. 21:7 The king spared Mephibosheth son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, because of the oath before the Lord between David and Jonathan son of Saul.
A friend is one who recognizes, encourages, and celebrates God’s work in my life – past, present, future
1. Jonathan recognized (and did not resent) God’s call on David’s life
  1. Recognized David’s anointing (past) see 1 Samuel 16
    1. and by implication, his own rejection from the kingship
  2. Recognized David’s spiritual power (present)
    1. David did what he could not; defeat Goliath
  3. Recognized David’s destiny to be king (future)
    1. accepted that, as Saul’s son, his own future was limited by the failure of his father
2. Jonathan accepted all this graciously, and sought to help and foster what God was doing in David’s life.
3. Cf. Saul saw David as a rival and a threat because of what God was doing in his life – “he kept a jealous eye on David” (18:9)
  1. Saul sought to use David (just as he had used God)
    1. musically
    2. militarily
  2. Saul sought to kill David (6 separate attempts)
    1. 3 times by javelin
    2. 2 times by marriage arrangements
    3. 1 time by death squad
  3. Saul feared David (18:12, 15, 29)
A friend is one who stands with me and allows me to be honest in the midst of my struggles (read 1 Samuel 20:1-4)
1. Jonathan listened to David’s fears about what Saul was trying to do to him
2. “There is only a step between me and death” – David was able to be completely honest with Jonathan, in spite of the fact that Jonathan was the son of the man who was trying to kill him.
3. David confided his anguish.
4. A friend is a good listener and willing to do whatever it takes to help
  1. 1 Samuel 20:4 Jonathan said to David, “Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do for you.”
5. Ultimately (20:33) Jonathan himself became a target of Saul’s rage – the same evil that threatened David now threatened Jonathan
  1. He was willing to share the suffering and pain that David was suffering
A friend defends me when I’m not able to defend myself (cf. 1 Cor. 13:7)
1. Jonathan warned David of Saul’s plans to kill him (19:2)
2. Jonathan advocated for David before his father
  1. 1Sam. 19:4 Jonathan spoke well of David to Saul his father
3. He became David’s advocate, his intercessor before the king
  1. E.g. – Jesus as our intercessor
  2. What a Friend We Have in Jesus
4. He became a reconciler, bringing David back to Saul’s court (19:7)
  1. It was a temporary peace, but at least it was peace
5. Illustration: the paralyzed man and his four friends – they brought him to the Lord

Friends can be a channel of God’s grace in my life. Practice the 4 Be’s…

Be alert for the awakening of friendship – God brings friends into my life in order to bless me (e.g. Dave and Dianna McLean)
1. Don’t get hung up with “how” he brings people into your life; he may do it in unusual ways, and they may be “unusual” people! But try to get past that.
Be friendly – if you want friends, you must be a friend
1. Watch for what God is doing in the life of another person and seek to foster it, to affirm it – look for the fingerprints of God
2. Be an active listener
3. Be willing to share your spirit with another; to relate on a deeper level
Be honest – don’t hide behind masks
1. Cf - The modern tendency in Christian circles to be superficial or artificial in relationships – we steer away from sensitive or painful areas – we tend to be plastic, not real.
  1. Church motto: “The end of your search for a friendly church”
  2. But is that true friendship or just affability, conviviality?
2. We must be honest with one another.
  1. Eph 4:25 – Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.
3. Allow others to be honest with their suffering, their doubts, their sins
  1. James 5:16 - Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
Belong - to a church where true friendship is fostered and practiced
1. The importance of small groups where true friendships can form and flourish.
2. You cannot know the full blessing that God wants to pour into your life through your church if all you do is attend on Sunday morning.
3. A church that is practicing the grace of true friendship will never become “cliquish”, because cliques are built around conforming to shared tastes, preferences, opinions, etc.

God graced David’s life with Jonathan’s friendship. In the process, he restored David’s courage, helped him maintain perspective while going through a time of persecution and suffering, and further unlocked the potential that God had placed in David’s life. God similarly wants to grace our lives with friends.

Proven medical benefits of friendship (Readers Digest – Sept. 2002):

“Friendships play a far more important role in maintaining good health and having a long life than most people realize. Social ties are the cheapest medicine we’ve got.” Shelley Taylor, research psychologist, UCLA
People with strong social networks are shown to:
- Boost chances of surviving life-threatening illnesses
- Have stronger, more resilient immune systems
- Improve mental health
- Live longer than people without social support
“One of the worst things you can do to someone is to isolate them” Ronald Glaser, immunologist, Ohio State Univ.
Yale University study of 194 heart attack patients: those who reported strong emotional support of friends were 3 times more likely to be alive six months later than patients who had no support.
Swedish study of 1200 elderly – those who had satisfying social contacts were 40% less likely to develop dementia than those who had few or unsatisfying relationships.

Stress – U. of Pittsburgh study showed that subjects who were given a stressful task to complete experienced less increase in heart rate and blood pressure when a friend was allowed to be present in the room – even though the friend did not assist in the task.