More on Children and Parents

Once upon a time, there was a huge battleship that was sailing at high speed a few miles off the coast. It was a dark, rainy night, and the visibility was poor. The captain of the great ship stood on the bridge, staring out into the darkness.

All of a sudden, he saw a light ahead, bearing down on the ship on a collision course. Quickly, the captain signaled to the unknown light “Alter your course ten degrees north.” But then the reply came back “Alter your course ten degrees south.”

The captain then signaled “Alter your course ten degrees north. I am a captain.” The reply came back “Alter your course ten degrees south. I am a seaman third class.”

By this time, the captain was getting a little hot under the collar. He fired off another message: “Alter your course ten degrees north. I am a battleship.” The reply came back: “Alter your course ten degrees south. I am a lighthouse.”

Guess who altered his course!

The authority of that lighthouse keeper derived not from his rank, or his title, or his uniform. It derived from his position as keeper of the light. He had been entrusted with the job of steering ships away from the rocks. His authority was part and parcel of that important responsibility.

Sooner or later, everyone has got to submit to authority. The universe that God created is an orderly place. It all functions under His authority. In fact, authority is as much a part of this universe as the laws of physics are.

Sin came into being when Satan refused to honor God’s authority. He wanted to set himself up as his own authority. He rebelled. He refused to bow to God’s authority. He challenged it.

If you want to know what sin really is, it is when you refuse to accept the authority of God over your life. It is when you start acting as though you are your own god. That is the essence of sin. Independence from God is the national religion of hell.

We have been studying the Ten Commandments. Last week, we came to commandment number five: Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

We discovered that it is a commandment that has a lot to do with authority. We learned that the word “honor” literally means “heavy”. It means that children should regard their parents as being heavy with dignity, heavy with significance; heavy with honor, because of the authority that God has given them as parents.

And we learned that God’s blessing is directly related to this commandment: if you want God’s blessing on your life; honor your parents. It is a simple cause and effect relationship.

God designed the family to be a school for authority. A child learns what authority is, and how to respond to it, by relating to the authority of his parents. But that whole process is not an end in itself; it is merely a means to an end.

The ultimate purpose of parental authority is to get a child ready to honor the ultimate authority in the universe; namely God. The parent-child relationship is a training ground where that can happen.

Parents - not the state, not the schools, not even the church - are the primary instruments in shaping a child’s character and preparing his heart to honor God.

A child who doesn’t learn to honor his parents, will find it very difficult to learn to honor God. In fact, he will find it very difficult to learn to function under any sort of authority in his life.

James Dobson tells of a friend of his who owns his own business. Whenever this man interviews someone to work in his company, he asks the applicant about his relationship with his parents, specifically his relationship with his father. If the applicant has had a stormy relationship with his father, this man will not hire him. He believes that because such a person has not learned to honor authority in the home, sooner or later, he will cause problems in the company.

“The fool has said in his heart there is no God.” The definition of a fool is that he is a person who doesn’t accept anyone’s authority but his own. A child who doesn’t learn to honor the authority of his parents will grow up to be a fool.

So Satan’s first line of attack is to disrupt the authority relationship between parents and children. In his view, if children can grow up not honoring the authority of their parents, they will never learn to honor and respect God.

2 Timothy 3:1 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents

Satan attacks the family in another way. He tries to get parents to see parenting as a burden, not a privilege. There’s a subtle undercurrent in today’s society that sees children as an interruption, or a hindrance. A lot of parents have become so self-absorbed in making money, getting ahead in their careers, doing their own thing, that they have virtually abandoned their kids.

So we have day-care centers and au pairs; Congressional legislation for better child care, latch-key kids who sit for hours in front of the television while their parents are working. There’s a generation of kids growing up now that have been raised by total strangers, or are virtually raising themselves.

Not too long ago, I had lunch with a police officer who specialized in the area of juvenile crime. He worked with the troubled youth of the community.

He told me the story of a young teenaged girl who had recently been picked up for shoplifting. This girl was bright and attractive. She certainly wasn’t poor; both her parents were medical doctors. She seemed to have a lot going for her.

But she had a very poor relationship with her parents. The fact that she was arrested required that she and her parents appear in juvenile court. This officer phoned the parents to inform them of the court date. But the mother said that she couldn’t make it; because she had scheduled to have her dishwasher repaired that day.

The attitude of that mother explained a lot about the behavior of her daughter. Her dishwasher was more important than her daughter.

Satan knows that if he can destroy the relationship between children and parents, he can hinder people from coming to know God. Damage the parent-child relationship, and you cripple a child’s ability to honor the authority of God.

We live in a world full of choices. We have unlimited opportunities to choose - whether we’re buying a car, or buying a breakfast cereal.

But none of us gets to choose our parents. God chose them for us, and God did so for a reason. We may not understand the reason, but God certainly didn’t choose our parents arbitrarily or accidentally. He had a plan in mind.

To be a Christian means believing that God cares about you; that God wants what is best for you. And God’s plan for you began to unfold the very moment you were conceived. The people who are your parents are God’s gift to you. They are God’s choice for you.

God gave you your mother and father in order to shape and mold you into a person who would ultimately come to know Him as your heavenly Father. He knew what you needed before you even existed. (If you don’t believe that, just read Psalm 139). And God knew the kind of parents that you would need in order to bring you to the place where you would be ready to yield to His authority.

Last week, I talked about how it is important to honor your parents, even as adult children. And I know that that may have been a hard pill for some of you to swallow. Your parents may have been very cruel to you. They may have abused you. They may have been unkind and unloving, and hurt you very deeply.

It is very true that not all parents cooperate with God’s plan. Maybe your parents didn’t follow God’s will. But you still have a choice as to what you will do. If you determine to honor your parents, no matter what kind of people they are, you will be doing the will of God. And when you do the will of God, even when it costs you, good things will start to happen. You’ll see God’s blessing on your life.

I am convinced that you will never get the victory in your life as a Christian until you can thank God for the parents he gave you — even if they were lousy parents.

But I’m sure that you want to be a good parent. I’m sure that you want to make it easy for your children to honor you. How can you do that?

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

The reason that the father is addressed here is that the father is the head of the home. Authority in the home flows from the father. If you don’t believe this, just ask your kids. They instinctively know this fact.

The word “exasperate” here means misusing or abusing your authority as a parent so as to make your children angry, hurt, and bitter. When you do that, you are actually making it harder for your kids to honor your authority, and to honor any authority. They will begin to believe that authority is something that will hurt them, when God actually means it to help them.

The loving exercise of authority is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children. I have dealt with kids who have grown up in homes where there has been little or no parental authority. These kids are confused, insecure, and unsure of themselves. And they are unsuccessful in dealing with life because their parents never gave them limits.

How would you like to drive on Route 22 if there were no lines, or direction signs? You could just drive wherever you pleased, in whichever direction, at whatever speed. It wouldn’t make you feel too secure would it? We need limits. We need authority.

But there are ways that we can misuse our parental authority, and cause our children to rebel against it. What are some of those ways? Here are some guaranteed exasperation-producers:

1. Treat them like they don’t know anything, or can’t do anything right

Dave Simmons was a linebacker for the St. Louis Cardinals and the Dallas Cowboys back in the early seventies. He had a very dysfunctional relationship with his father. As a high school athlete, he was an All-American, but in his father’s eyes, he could never do anything right.

In spite of his success as an NFL football player, he was emotionally crippled by the fact that he knew he could never please his Dad.

Children flourish under positive praise and encouragement. Give it to them in liberal doses. It takes ten positive things to outweigh every negative thing you say to them as a parent.

2. Nag them about everything.

“Those shorts are too baggy. Your room is a mess. What did you do to your hair? Can’t you ever remember to turn out the lights?”

If you nag your kids about everything, even the little things, you are guaranteeing that they will ultimately tune you out. And then, when something really big comes along, they will not turn to you for counsel.

3. Play favorites with your children

Jacob had twelve sons, but one of them was his favorite - Joseph. Look what happened. The favoritism of the father poisoned the relationship between the brothers. The eleven brothers had so little respect for their father that they lied to him.

If you want to mess up your kids’ lives, let them know that you love one of them more than the other.

4. Be inconsistent with discipline

If Mom will let the kids do what Dad won’t, or vice versa…

If what was okay last week has suddenly become a federal offence this week…

If your discipline is predicated on what kind of mood you happen to be in as a parent…

Then you are guaranteeing that your kids will grow up with the understanding that discipline and authority are totally arbitrary, and not to be trusted. They will learn that authority is a power game you play for your own advantage, and they will become experts at playing it. They will learn to manipulate people, and they will learn to manipulate you.

5. Don’t practice what you preach

You send your kids to Sunday School. Do you go? You make your kids learn memory verses. Do you memorize Scripture?

You punish you kids for being rude and inconsiderate. Are you rude and inconsiderate in the way you talk to them?

You tell them that certain TV shows and movies and books are off limits for them. Do you go ahead and see them?

As parent, what you are speaks so loud that your kids don’t hear what you say. So you’d better practice what you preach. Kids are experts at sniffing out a phoney.

None of us are perfect parents. I think God invented parenting to keep us on our knees! You make mistakes. You do the wrong thing. But God’s grace can cover your mistakes if you just ask Him. And if you make it your aim to walk with Him every day, He will give you the wisdom to be an effective parent.

It’s scary sometimes. You don’t know how your kids are going to turn out. But God can help you, and He wants to help you, to do a good job. So be encouraged.