Myth 3 – The Important People in my Life will Never Let Me Down

June weddings – romance, fairy tale wedding, everything perfect. But the first year of living together will lead to incredible disillusionment. Many of these marriages will end up in bitter divorce proceedings. Why?

Because people – even nice people; even people in love with each other – are sinners.

Oswald Chambers said that it is only when we become “dis-illusioned” with people (and he meant “disillusioned” in a good way) that we can begin to truly understand them. Listen to what he says…

“Many of the cruel things in life spring from the fact that we suffer from illusions. We are not true to one another as facts; we are true only to our ideas of one another. Everything is either delightful and fine, or mean and dastardly, according to our ideas. Disillusionment means that there are no more false judgments.”

In recent weeks, we have been exploring some of the illusions that we have about how life works, how we work, and how God works. It seems that we harbor certain “myths” – beliefs or assumptions that we hold about ourselves; about God and about life itself – assumptions that we think are true, that we would like to be true, but really aren’t true. And when we ultimately discover that they aren’t true, we experience a crisis of doubt.

Now the myth that we want to look at today has to do with people – particularly the people who are close to me – my friends and family; the people whom I have allowed into my circle of intimacy. The people in whom I have placed my trust.

In the course of living, there are some expectations that we place on those people. We expect them to “be there” for us; we expect to be able to count on them for support and encouragement. We expect them to love us and care for us and never do anything to hurt us. And we begin to build our lives on the assumption that these people—the people closest to us— will fulfill all our expectations.

There’s only one problem with that. They are not capable of bearing up under the weight of our expectations.

The Bible is full of examples of how people who were close to each other hurt each other, damaged each other, and let each other down.

• Abel was murdered by his brother Cain

• Sarah was pimped to another man by her husband Abraham to save his own skin

• Abraham was done out of some choice real estate by his nephew Lot

• Esau was swindled by his brother Jacob

• Jacob was hoodwinked by his uncle Laban – cost him 7 years of his life.

• Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers; framed by his master’s wife; and callously forgotten by his former prison cellmate – cost him 2 more years in jail.

• …and all those examples are just in the book of Genesis!

People can be incredibly cruel and callous to one another.

We instinctively know that, so we choose our friends carefully, and we count on our family members to be there for us in the crunch. We somehow assume that if we can count on anyone—if anyone’s going to be totally safe—it’s going to be our close friends and family.

And when we get that assumption all wrapped up in a nice, neat package, we fall victim to the third myth in our series.

“The people who are closest to me will never let me down. They’re good people – if they weren’t good people, they wouldn’t be my friends and family – and good people never make bad choices.”

This is our assumption. And it is a wrong assumption. The people closest to us are sinners. And sinners DO make bad choices. And the consequences of their choices can bring incredible pain into our lives. The pain of rejection, the pain of betrayal, of embarrassment, of shame. Even of physical suffering.

David and Lisa Johnson were an average couple living in an average home in the midwest U.S. They had two sons, two and four years old, and attended an average Christian church.

One day, Lisa became very ill. She thought she had the flu, but her symptoms refused to go away. Eventually she was admitted to the hospital because her illness was weakening her entire system. Over the next few terrifying days, she almost died.

Slowly, Lisa made a modest recovery, but she still was not well. Her doctors were extremely concerned about her condition because they were not sure exactly what kind of disease they were dealing with. Little did Lisa realize that the worst of her ordeal was yet to come.

On the day before she was released from the hospital, her husband David gave her a letter. In this letter, he confessed that he had just learned that he had the AIDS virus. He had undoubtedly passed it on to Lisa. David went on in the letter to confess to his wife that over recent months, he had been involved in a homosexual relationship.

Assuming that Lisa would go to pieces over this devastating news, David had arranged an appointment for her to see a counselor. In addition, he had packed his bags to leave home, because he was sure that Lisa would demand he get out of her life.

The Bible is quite explicit about the fact that people will let you down. And the people who are closest to you can hurt you the most.

Take Jesus as an example. He was betrayed by Judas (obvious). He was denied by Peter (obvious). But earlier in his ministry, he was rejected by the people in his own hometown – the people he grew up with.

Jesus said to them, “Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet without honor.” (Mark 6:4)

His own family, including his mother Mary, concluded at one point that he was mentallyunstable and they wanted to take him away and have him committed (Mark 3:21). His own half-brothers, whom he must have loved and cared for when they were little, rejected both his teaching and his claims (John 7:5). The most learned religious leaders of his generation branded him as an evil, dangerous man who was demon-possessed.

And his own hand-picked disciples on the night before his death had nothing better to do than argue about which one of them was going to be the greatest in the kingdom. Their boastful claims to the contrary, they couldn’t even pray with Jesus for one hour in the Garden, and when the enemy came, they all ran away.

Someone has observed that it’s a wonder that Jesus even had the stomach to eat the Last Supper with this bunch of losers. And yet these were the people who were closest to him. These were his best friends!

Have you ever been betrayed, been hurt by someone you trusted; someone close to you; someone you thought was your friend? It’s not a good feeling is it?

When people disappoint us; when they hurt us – deliberately or otherwise, our natural reaction is to become bitter, angry. We say “How could you? How could you do that? How could you treat me like that? I thought you cared about me?”

We’re shocked and bewildered. And then the longterm reaction sets in—we tend to close down relationally—to withdraw into a protective shell—we don’t want anyone to get too close to us out of fear that we might get hurt again.

But what does God have to say to us at times like this?

1. Don’t be surprised when people let you down. They are sinners, just like you. The Bible says “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Rom. 3:23). And that includes the people in whom you have placed your trust. Just because you’re counting on them doesn’t make them perfect.

2. Don’t become bitter, cynical, or judgmental when you are hurt by someone you trusted.

In 2 Samuel 15-17, there is a fascinating story about a man who was close to King David. His name was Ahithophel. He was actually the grandfather of Bathsheba, the woman David married after having an affair with her.

Now Ahithophel was a very wise, learned man. He had become the chief counselor of the king. When he opened his mouth to speak, everybody listened. The Bible says that “the advice that Ahithophel gave was like that of one who inquires of God.” Talking to Ahithophel was like talking to God! So it’s no wonder that David had learned to rely on this man, to lean on this man for counsel.

But then, in those same chapters, David’s son Absalom rose up in rebellion. He declared himself king of Israel and seized the throne. He stole the hearts of Israel, and the people turned their support to Absalom and David had to flee from the capital. And at that very moment Ahithophel, this wise trusted counselor—the man David needed more now than ever—went over to Absalom’s side and joined the rebellion.

As we walk through life, some friends are like shadows. When the sun is shining and all is bright, like a shadow, they are right there by our side. But when the darkness comes and the storm clouds gather, like a shadow, they disappear.

It would have been easy for David to become angry and bitter toward Ahithophel and the many others who had abandoned him in his hour of need. But he didn’t become bitter, and another episode in those chapters proves it.

As he fled from Jerusalem, weeping with his household, not knowing where he was going or what he was going to do, a man named Shimei took it upon hmself to heap insult onto injury. Shimei walked along the hillside next to the road where David was, yelling and cursing at David, and throwing stones.

One of David’s bodyguards, Abishai, said to David “Why should this dead dog curse my lord the king? Let me go over and cut off his head.”

David replied “Leave him alone. Let him curse, for the Lord has told him to. It may be that the Lord will see my distress and repay me with good for the cursing I am receiving today.” (2 Sam. 16:12)

That tells me that David was not bitter. He was not taking judgment into his own hands. He was not seeking vengeance against Shimei or anyone else. He was content to leave his fate in the hands of the Lord.

When someone mistreats you, when someone hurts you, you may like David, need to flee. But don’t seek vengeance. Don’t become bitter. Take your case to the Lord. Throw yourself on his mercy. And he will take care of you.

1. Don’t be surprised when people hurt you

2. Don’t become bitter toward them

3. Do forgive them.

Matthew 6:12 (Living Bible)

Remember the story of David and Lisa Johnson? Lisa had to make a choice. What was she going to do about what David told her, and what David did to her? He gave her a terminal illness—a death sentence. What was she going to do?

Listen to how she describes how she was feeling.

“What could be worse? You are married and you are happy. You are secure. Suddenly you become critically ill. You are at the lowest and physically weakest point in your entire life. Instead of comfort and healing from the one you love most, you receive the most painful blow of your life. He says he loves you, but he also loves someone else. He says he would never hurt you, but he’s already killed you.”

Although her heart was shattered into little pieces, Lisa—in this moment of extreme crisis—chose the way of forgiveness. Through her tears, she asked her husband “Do you really love me?”

“Yes” he replied. “Then let’s try to work through this” she said.

The following weeks and months were anything but easy. David had a terrible struggle to break free from his homosexual lover, but eventually it happened. Their marriage began to find new strength built upon mercy and forgiveness. Both David and Lisa suffered under the physical effects of having AIDS, but they refused to let the disease or the circumstances of how they both came to have it become a destructive issue in their relationship.

They decided to share their secret with friends and members of their church family. Some reacted with shock and horror. But others drew closer in love and forgiveness. There was something about the incredible reconciliation and healing that was taking place in David and Lisa’s lives that drew people to them.

As the news of David and Lisa’s story began to spread, many marriages were keenly affected. Couples began to honestly face their problems, inspired by the Johnsons’ example. “If David and Lisa can experience healing in their marriage, we can too.” they said.

Lisa’s disease eventually overcame her. As she lay dying, surrounded by family and friends, she repeatedly emphasized her love for David, and insisted that no one lay the blame for her death at his door. She died peacefully, a young woman who had learned to forgive.David died not long afterward, and their two sons were adopted by friends.

The way of forgiveness is the only way out of the pain and heartache of the sinful choices that we and those around us make.

After Jesus rose from the dead, he reached out to the very people who had let him down so dramatically. He particularly reached out to Peter. And he also reached out to his family who hadn’t believed in him. Paul tells us in 1 Cor. 15:7 that after he rose from the dead he appeared specifically to James – the James who was the eldest of his half brothers. And evidently his other brothers believed as well, because we have the book of Jude which was written by the brother of James.

You see where forgiveness can lead?

4. Extend ongoing grace to them.

When we have been hurt by someone close to us, there is a tendency in our hearts to always tie the offender to that one particular act. Whenever we see that person, we think of that one thing they did, that one way they let us down, that one spectacular failure. And that pattern, if we allow it to form, can be very hard to break.

But the way of grace says that life is a video, not a series of snapshots. Don’t make the mistake of saying that that one snapshot, taken at a moment when that person was at his worst, is typical of that person’s whole life.

When the Pharisees brought to Jesus the woman caught in adultery, this is what they were doing. They were saying “We caught her in the act, and this act is representative of her whole life. She is a sinner and deserves to be stoned to death.”

But Jesus faced them down and said to the woman “Go and sin no more.” Because he was looking at her through the eyes of grace, he saw her life as an unfolding video with a lot more scenes to come, and the possibility of living those scenes for the glory of God.

The church needs to be a place like this – a “film festival” kind of place, not a photo gallery. A place where people’s lives are not seen as static snapshots – still pictures capturing a moment of time which we then pin to a wall, put a frame around, label and categorize, but a place where we view each other as unfolding videos, each one with the potential of rising into a dramatic epic for the glory of God.

You see the difference in focus?

The focus of legalism and judgment is on the past – on what you have done.

The focus of grace is on the future – on what you can become.

Where was Jesus’ focus in the lives of the people who were closest to him?

Where is Jesus’ focus on you?

Where is Jesus’ focus on the people around you – the people closest to you?