The Golden Rule

The difference between the religions of the world and Christianity is best understood in the way that they express the Golden Rule. Every major religion has some statement which captures the essence of how you are supposed to live according to the teaching of that religion. Buddhism has such a statement. Hinduism has one. Islam has one. Confucianism has one. All the major religions have such a statement. And, interestingly enough, they’re all quite similar.

In Judaism, the story is told of the two great rabbis who lived during the time of Jesus. Their names were Shimei and Hillel. Rabbi Shimei was famous for being a strict and stern legalist who insisted on observing the minutest details of the OT Law. If you wanted to sue somebody in court, you’d probably want Shimei to be your lawyer. Rabbi Hillel, on the other hand, was known for his warmth and openness. If you had to choose which one you’d want as your uncle, you’d choose Hillel.

One day, so the story goes, a man came to the school of Shimei. He said “I am prepared to become a disciple of yours if you can explain the whole Law to me while I stand on one leg.” Rabbi Shimei whacked him over the head with a ruler and drove him out of his school for being so impertinent.

The man went over to the school of Rabbi Hillel, where again he said ""I am prepared to become a disciple of yours if you can explain the whole Law to me while I stand on one leg.” Hillel said to him “Don’t do to others what you don’t want done to yourself. That is the whole Law; all the rest is commentary.” The man became his disciple.

That statement of Rabbi Hillel’s happens to be the Golden Rule of all the major religions of the world: Don’t do to others what you don’t want done to yourself. But that is not the Golden Rule of Christianity. The Golden Rule of Christ’s teaching is found here in Matthew 7:12.

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

Do you see the difference? The others all express it negatively - Don’t do to others what you don’t want done to yourself. But Jesus expresses something that is positive - Do to others what you would have them do to you. In fact, the teaching of Jesus is the only place where you’ll find the Golden Rule expressed in positive terms. There’s a world of difference between the two approaches. These are not just two sides of the same coin.

The negative approach - Don’t do to others what you don’t want done to yourself - is nothing more than a way of expressing the philosophy “Live and let live. You don’t bother me and I won’t bother you. You go your way and I’ll go mine and we’ll be able to co-exist.” That approach doesn’t call for you to be involved in any significant way in another person’s life - you can basically ignore him, just so long as you don’t hurt him. You could live in isolation as a hermit up in the hills and perfectly follow that rule. It’s an essentially selfish way of living.

This false golden rule has become America’s philosophy of life. People today say “Do whatever you want to do, but make sure that nobody gets hurt while you’re doing it.” They say “If you drink, don’t drive.” They advocate safe sex. Tell your partner if you have AIDS. Go ahead and patronize the pornography industry; just don’t go around raping anybody. You want to have an abortion? Fine. That baby isn’t really a human being, so you’re really not hurting anybody. Abortion is just a matter of private choice.

This is the philosophy of libertarians, and most Americans today, whatever they say they happen to believe about God, are libertarians. I’ll do whatever I want to do and it’s ok, as long as I’m not hurting you. This is what the ACLU is all about.

The tragedy is that they think that they’re actually living the way God wants them to. You ask the average American why he thinks he’ll go to heaven when he dies, and he’ll say “Well, nobody’s perfect, but I’ve tried not to hurt anybody. I’ve tried to follow the Golden Rule - don’t do to others what you don’t want done to yourself.”

But that isn’t the Golden Rule. It’s a cheap substitute. Jesus said “Do unto others what you would want done to you.” Love others, because that’s what you would want them to do for you. Seek to understand others, because that’s what you’d appreciate them doing for you. Be ready to forgive others when they mess up, because you know that’s what you really need when you mess up.

That’s what God’s law is all about. That’s what true righteousness is all about. That’s the way God wants you to live. He doesn’t want you to go through life doing your own thing while being careful not to step on anyone’s toes. He wants you to make a positive difference in the lives of those around you. He wants you to get involved with people. He wants you to love them. He wants you to do all the things for them that you would appreciate them doing for you. That’s what the real Golden Rule is all about.

Not too long ago, I heard a story about a very wealthy businessman who was having a hard time with a rebellious teenager. It seemed that no matter what this father tried, he couldn’t get through to his son. There was little communication, little understanding between them.

Until one day, the father hit upon an idea. It just so happened that the boy was an avid baseball fan. The father didn’t care much for baseball himself, but he decided on a plan. Because he was quite wealthy, he was able to arrange for him and his son to travel around the country for a couple of weeks that summer and see every major league baseball club play at least one game. It took a lot of time, it took a lot of planning, and it took a lot of money, but they did it. And during the course of that summer, a new bond of love and understanding formed between that father and his son, because the son realized that the father had taken the time and made the effort to understand what he was really interested in.

When they got back from their trip, one of the father’s business associates said to him “Boy, you must really love baseball!” The father said, “Not particularly. But I love my son.”

The first step we must take to put the Golden Rule into action is to find out what makes the other person tick. So often we approach relationships with our own agenda foremost in our minds. What can I get out of this relationship? Instead of that approach, we need to start thinking about what the other person needs, what the other person is looking for, what the other person would appreciate. We need first to understand, then to be understood.

This is where husbands so often fail their wives. A woman is looking for the security that comes from knowing that her husband loves her. And she needs to have that knowledge updated on a frequent basis. Women are like that - they approach relationships with a need for constant updating. A woman’s relationships are high-maintenance items in her life. A woman can’t seem to let a relationship slide the way that a man can. For her, that produces insecurity.

So in a marriage, a husband needs to understand that his wife is really going to appreciate it whenever he makes an effort to communicate to her that he loves her, because that for her, will update their relationship. It will give her tangible evidence that her world is secure.

Last summer, I left my wife. That got your attention, didn’t it? On our way home from vacation in Wisconsin, I left Carolyn and the children in Buffalo for a week while I flew home to Long Island to get back to work. Then I flew back up to Buffalo and drove them home. During that week alone, I began to realize just how empty our house was with only me living there. I wanted to somehow communicate to Carolyn how much I missed her, and how much she meant to me.

So I had a great idea. During that week I was home alone, I took a pad of Post-it Notes, and I wrote little comments of appreciation to her. I stuck those notes up in hidden places all over the house where only she was likely to find them - around the kitchen, inside the cupboards, in the laundry area, in her closet. When she arrived home, for the next few days, she was discovering these notes. And you know something? She didn’t take them down. Some of those crazy things are still up! She appreciated that little gesture of love that much. It made a deep impression on her.

That’s the kind of thing we need to be doing for each other. The little act of kindness that shows the other person that we’re thinking of them first. It might be a kind word, or a cup of coffee. It might be an arm around the shoulder, or a note of encouragement in the mail.

You all have bank accounts. You make deposits and withdrawals. And you can’t withdraw more than you’ve deposited without incurring stiff penalties. It might be helpful to think of our relationships in terms of a bank account. Every time you do an act of kindness, a word of appreciation or encouragement to a person, you’re making a deposit to the account you have with that person.

And if you keep doing that, gradually over time, you’ll accumulate a healthy balance of goodwill and trust and love with that person. You will have personal credibility with them. There’s no shortcut to it. You can’t make one big deposit; it takes many little deposits over the course of time.

Now that positive balance in your account with that person will be something that someday you’re going to need, because sooner or later, we all let each other down. You may be harsh or irritable, you may break a promise, or hurt that person in some way. You’ll make a withdrawal. But if you have a healthy balance in your account with that person, that withdrawal isn’t going to overdraw your account. You’ll still have that cushion of relational credibility to absorb that withdrawal in your account with that person.

But if you have a relationship where you’re only making withdrawals, and not making any significant deposits with that person, you’re soon going to be overdrawn, and there will be painful penalties to pay. Broken trust, hurt feelings, lack of communication, bitterness.

This is why relationships fail. Because one of the partners is overdrawn in the other’s account. And you find that in a situation like that, as the balance approaches zero, that the least little offence becomes a big offence. The least little word can set off the alarm bells at the bank as your account with that person goes into a deficit situation.

Now maybe as I’ve described this, you’ve been thinking about a person in your life where your relational bank account is in trouble. You look at your passbook and you see that you’ve only been making withdrawals. You need to begin building that balance again. How do you do it? By applying Matthew 7:12. By doing to them precisely what you’d appreciate someone doing to you.

But you need to be sensitive to what that person’s real needs are. You can’t project your inner needs onto them. You probably remember the Honeymooners TV show. Ralph Kramden always went for the grand gesture. He was always trying to impress Alice in some elaborate way that he loved her. At Christmas, he’d go to great lengths to get Alice some expensive present which she didn’t really want. And that would lead to more misunderstanding between them. Because Ralph was really using that gift to Alice as an excuse to meet his own ego needs.

If you do not take the time to really understand a person, whether your spouse, or your child, or your friend, then you may easily make the same mistake that Ralph Kramden always used to make. You’ll give them something that they don’t really want at all. And they’ll reject it and you with it. What you intend as a deposit will actually result in a withdrawal, since they will conclude that you really haven’t bothered to understand them at all. They might even think that your goodness to them is really a way of making you feel better about yourself. And that will lead to further rejection, since they will feel that you are merely using them.

But you’ll avoid all this if you make it your priority to seek first to understand, then to be understood.

The Golden Rule that Jesus gave is the essence of how God really wants us to live. It’s the ultimate expression of kingdom righteousness in its practical form. it isn’t possible for us to live like this in our own power. We just don’t have it in us. But God wants to do it through us in the power of His Spirit. And the more we grow in our relationship with God, the better we’ll be able to follow the Golden Rule in our relationships with each other.