The Golden Rule

Sir Winston Churchill was a great man. But, like all of us, he had some problems with certain people. He had a particularly difficult time getting along with a woman named Lady Astor. She was an early feminist who became the first woman member of the British parliament. She often argued with Churchill over the subject of women’s rights.

Churchill opposed her views so vehemently that one day, in exasperation, she said to him “Winston, you’re impossible! If I were married to you, I’d put poison in your coffee.” To which Churchill replied “Lady Astor, if you were my wife, I would drink it.”

It has been said that there are two certainties in life: death and taxes. We could add a third—people, and the need to get along with them. Who can forget those immortal words of Lucy, the Peanuts comic strip character, who said one day in frustration: “I love mankind—it’s people I can’t stand!”

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gives us a strategy for getting along with people. Now let me put this in some kind of context for you. It has been a few weeks since we have been in the Sermon on the Mount and we need to recall what we have learned.

At the beginning of the Sermon, Jesus describes the changes that need to happen to us if we’re going to become kingdom people. We call that section the Beatitudes. Then he tells us what kind of impact we will have on the world if those changes do, in fact, take place in our lives. We will be like salt, and like light.

Because when God makes you a kingdom person, He starts building His righteousness into your life. It’s a righteousness that goes far beyond any religious righteousness that man can develop on his own. The righteousness that God gives us is true righteousness—righteousness of the heart.

Then Jesus goes into a series of six examples from everyday life to show us what this righteousness looks like. He talks about things like anger and lust and honesty and retaliation and loving our enemies—areas where our own human righteousness always comes up short.

Then, at the beginning of ch.6, Jesus gives us some teaching on the dangers of hypocrisy. He warns us how easy it is to become hypocrites—literally, play actors—in our spiritual lives. We can do all the right things—we can give, we can pray, we can even practice fasting—but we can do those things for entirely the wrong reasons: to gain the approval of men rather than God.

Then Jesus talks about how a kingdom person will have an eternal perspective. He won’t get all hung up on material things, because he knows that this life is short and life in eternity is far more important.

And a kingdom person won’t become consumed with anxiety about trying to meet his own needs because he knows that his Heavenly Father has committed Himself to meet those needs.

And a kingdom person won’t set himself up as a little god who goes around judging other people, because he knows that judging is God’s job.

Finally, in chapter 7:7–11 Jesus says “Okay. You want to know how to become such a person? You want to know how to get this kind of righteousness? It’s simple. Just ask, seek, and knock. Tell the Father that you want what only He can do for you. And he’ll give it to you.”

Now verse 12 of chapter 7 sums up everything that a kingdom person needs to know about getting along with other people. God’s righteousness does not involve a big, complex formula for successful interpersonal relationships. You don’t have to go to twenty different seminars, or listen to tapes, or buy all kinds of books on how to get along with people. Jesus gives it to us simply in a single verse: Matthew 7:12.

Matthew 7:12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

Isn’t that amazing? That verse sums up the whole Old Testament’s teaching about relationships. We call that verse the Golden Rule. It captures everything that God has taught us about how to get along with other people. It’s God’s recipe for successful relationships.

But most of us have set aside that Golden Rule in favor of developing our own strategies for dealing with people. You see, there are many other “rules” for relationships that people have developed over the years.

There is, for example, what I call the Titanium Rule. Titanium is one of the hardest metals known to man. It’s extremely strong. But it also tends to be rather brittle. The Titanium Rule states:

Do unto others BEFORE they can do it to you.

People who live by the Titanium Rule do so because they do not trust other people. Perhaps they have been deeply hurt or betrayed by someone, and they are determined never to let that happen again.

They are afraid that if they do not seize control of a relationship, if they do not capture the dominant position, they will be left vulnerable. And they are terrified of being vulnerable.

So they see each interpersonal relationship as a struggle for power, and they are going to win that struggle at all costs. People like this become very good at keeping you off balance. They are constantly imposing their agenda on you, either subtly or overtly. They can be very demanding and aggressive and bossy. They are control freaks.

When you are around them for long, you begin to feel as though you are suffocating—you cannot be yourself, because you have to be what they want you to be—what they expect you to be. When a Titanium person comes roaring through your life, you feel as though you have just been run over by a Mack truck.

Then there are people who live by the Play-Dough Rule. Play-Dough is pliable; it’s easily molded. You can pull it and pound it and basically it takes whatever shape you impose on it. The Play-Dough Rule of relationships goes something like this:

Do unto others IN REACTION TO what others have done unto you.

Play-Dough people go through life living a script that someone else has written for them. They’ve been hurt and victimized and abused, they bear the imprint of that on their life, and now they relate to everyone on that basis.

Their whole life is a reaction to something that has happened to them. Play-Dough people struggle with feelings of inferiority, bitterness, and depression. They just can’t seem to break out of the mold they’ve been pressed into. They tend to be very negative and pessimistic.

They find it very difficult to really enjoy relationships because they are carrying around on their shoulders the crushing load of a painful past. They’ve been pressed and pounded and pulled out of the shape that God originally designed for them to be.

Then there is the Teflon Rule. Teflon is a slippery substance that nothing sticks to. It doesn’t bond to anything very readily because it’s not chemically active. The Teflon Rule says:

Don’t do unto others what you don’t want them to do unto you.

It’s surprising how many people actually confuse the Teflon Rule for the Golden Rule. The Teflon Rule says that you can go through life basically living for yourself. As long as you don’t do to other people what you don’t want them to do to you, you’re in the clear.

The vast majority of Americans have adopted the Teflon Rule as their philosophy. It’s the philosophy of “Live and let live. You don’t bother me and I won’t bother you. You go your way and I’ll go mine. We will not stick to each other. We will not get into each other’s lives and affairs.”

The Teflon Rule doesn’t demand that you be involved in any significant way in another person’s life - you can basically ignore the other person, just as long as you don’t do him any harm. You could live all alone as a hermit up in the hills and perfectly follow the Teflon Rule. It’s essentially a self-centered way of living.

But a lot of people think that the Teflon Rule is really the Golden Rule. Ask the average person why he thinks he’ll go to heaven when he dies, and he’ll say “Well, I’ve tried not to hurt anybody. I’ve tried to follow the Golden Rule - don’t do to others what you don’t want them to do to you.” But that isn’t the Golden Rule, is it?

Jesus said “Do unto others what you would want done to you.” There’s an enormous difference between that and the passive “live and let live” philosophy of the Teflon Rule.

The Golden Rule is proactive. Jesus said “You be the one to take the first step. Go out on a limb. Love others, because that’s what you would want them to do for you. Seek to understand others, because that’s what you’d appreciate them doing for you. Be ready to forgive others when they hurt you, because that’s what you would want them to do for you if you hurt them.” But it’s up to you to take the initiative.

That’s what God’s law is all about. That’s what true righteousness is all about. That’s the way God wants us to live. He wants us to be like Him, and He was the one to take the initiative to heal the broken relationship between us and Him.

God doesn’t want us to go through life just doing our own thing while being careful not to step on anyone’s toes. He wants us to make a positive difference in the lives of the people around us. He wants us to get involved with people. He wants us to actively love them. He wants us to do all the things for them that we would appreciate them doing for us. That’s what the Golden Rule is all about.

It’s the essence of God’s righteousness as applied to interpersonal relationships.

There once was a very wealthy businessman who was having a hard time getting along with his teenage son. It seemed that no matter what this father tried, he couldn’t get through to his son. There was little communication, and little understanding between them.

Until one day, the father hit upon an idea. It just so happened that the boy was an avid baseball fan. The father didn’t care much for baseball himself, but he decided on a plan. Because he was quite wealthy, he was able to arrange for him and his son to travel around the country for a couple of weeks that summer and see every major league baseball club play at least one game.

It took a lot of time, it took a lot of planning, and it took a lot of money, but they did it. And during the course of that summer, a new bond of love and understanding formed between that father and his son, because the son realized that the father had taken the time and made the effort to understand what he was really interested in.

When they got back from their trip, one of the father’s business associates said to him “Boy, you must really love baseball!” The father said, “Not particularly. But I do love my son.”

So often we approach relationships with our own needs, and our own agenda foremost in our minds. What can I get out of this relationship? How can this person help to meet my needs? How can I use this person to get done what I think needs to get done?

Instead of that approach, God wants us to be thinking about what the other person needs, what the other person is looking for, what the other person would appreciate.

And that is true for every relationship in life, from something as deep and intensive as the marriage relationship between a husband and wife, to the most casual contact with a sales clerk in a department store.

How can I actively affirm and encourage the other person? How can I literally be a blessing to them right now? Do that, and you’ll be carrying out God’s strategy for interpersonal relationships.

But there’s one big problem with the Golden Rule from a human standpoint. It’s impossible. It just isn’t possible for us to live like this in our own power. We just don’t have it in us. But God wants to do it through us in the power of His Holy Spirit.

Whenever God gives us responsibility, he always gives us ability. He wants us to rely, by faith, on his power, and go ahead and do the right thing even when we don’t feel like it. And the more we grow in our relationship with God, the better we’ll become at applying the Golden Rule in our relationships with each other.

Just this week, I read an amazing story about a woman named Colleene Hackett who saw in a miraculous way how the Golden Rule worked in her life. The story came from Focus on the Family.

One day, Colleene’s three-year-old daughter Heather came up to her, gave her a kiss, and said “I love you, Mommy.” Then she went out to play in the front yard. Fifteen seconds later, Heather was dead.

The eight-year old boy who lived next door had somehow gotten hold of a loaded gun and accidentally shot little Heather in the head. Heather’s five-year-old brother had witnessed the whole thing.

Colleene’s world fell apart. Both Colleen and her son ended up in psychiatric counseling. She came close to divorcing her husband. She thought of committing suicide. A burning hatred began to grow in her heart toward, not only the little boy who had shot her daughter, but toward his whole family as well.

She began to plot and plan how she might kill them in revenge for the terrible tragedy they had brought into her life. Finally, after trying to cope with this grief and suffering alone, she came to the end of herself. Colleene got down on her knees and asked Jesus to come into her life.

And Jesus went to work in her broken life. Not long after Heather’s birth, Colleene had had her tubes tied. One year after Heather died, Colleene underwent surgery to reverse the procedure. And then, at the age of 39, Colleene became pregnant.

An ultrasound examination indicated that she was carrying triplets. After doing the ultrasound, her obstetrician said in a matter of fact way “Colleene, you’ll be 40 years old when you give birth. I suggest that you seriously consider selectively reducing this pregnancy. It’s really quite simple. We would just abort the child that is most readily accessible in your womb.”

Colleene went numb with shock at the doctor’s advice. He had said all this as calmly as if he were giving her advice on what kind of car to buy. But he was talking about killing one of her babies. And this after she had already lost Heather.

She determined to see the pregnancy through. And she never went back to that doctor. On June 11, 1994,—the anniversary of the day they buried Heather—Colleene gave birth to three beautiful healthy baby boys.

There were no complications with the delivery, and the babies and Mom came home just two days later. They named the first baby Sean Michael. He was the one that the doctor would have aborted.

While all this was happening, something even more amazing was taking place in her life. During the four years since Heather’s death, God had been helping Colleene to build a friendship with the folks next door—the very family that Colleene once had wanted to do away with.

And when Colleene’s triplets were dedicated, standing there at the front of the church beside she and her husband were the parents of the boy who had shot Heather. Colleene and her husband had asked them to be the godparents of little Sean Michael,

God is a God of miracles. He can take the most troubled, pain-filled relationship and make it whole again. The power he uses to do it is his own supernatural power. We don’t have that kind of power. We never will. But the means he uses to apply that power is the Golden Rule.

All he wants us to do is be willing to obey his command to do unto others as we would have them do unto us. And if we do that, God can turn relationships into gold.