How to be a Blessing to the Man You Love Father’s Day ‘96

Well, the month of June is famous for two things—June weddings and Father’s Day.

Let me tell you about the elderly couple in West Virginia who were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Their kids had thrown a big party for them in the church fellowship hall. And the wife was beaming and smiling, but the husband was just standing over in a corner with tears in his eyes.

His wife went over and asked him why he was crying. And he said “Fifty years ago today, your daddy put a shotgun to my head and said that if I didn’t marry you, he’d put me in jail for the next 50 years. And I was just thinkin’ that if I’d a listened to him, I’d a been a free man tomorrow.”

There once was a pastor who had been working too hard and his wife was worried about him. So she took him to see the doctor. And after giving him a thorough physical examination, the doctor came out into the waiting room and said to the wife “I don’t like the way he looks.”

And she said “Well, to tell you the truth doctor, I don’t like the way he looks either. But he’s always been a good husband and father.”

Well, today is Father’s Day. And it is interesting to compare Mother’s Day with Father’s Day. On Mother’s Day, you women seem to bask in all the attention. You just soak up all that love. You glow all day long. It’s a glorious day; a highlight of your year.

But on Father’s Day, most of us men spend the day in a state of mild embarrassment about all the fuss being made over us. The typical male attitude is “Hey, I really appreciate all the trouble you’ve gone to, but let’s get this over with.”

That’s because men and women are different. Recently I came across a list comparing some of the difference between men and women. On one side, it listed what women really want, and on the other side it listed what men really want.

Women really want to be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes just to be held. What men really want is tickets to the Stanley Cup finals.

In light of the incredible differences between the sexes, it’s no wonder that couples run into problems trying to get along together in a marriage. Someone has said that marriage is made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

On Mother’s day, last month, I shared a few thoughts about women, and how we men ought to treat our wives to let them know that we really love them. Just for the sake of review, we learned that there is a special kind of CPR that a man needs to give to the woman in his life––he needs to Connect with her; he needs to Protect her, and he needs to Respect her.

Today, on Father’s Day, I want to talk to the women in the audience. And specifically, I want to share some thoughts from a biblical perspective on how you can really be a blessing to the man you love.You women have a lot more power than you think you have. You have the power in your hands to either make a man, or break him. You can help him, or hurt him; the choice is yours. A bad woman can destroy the strongest man.

Look at Samson and Delilah. Samson was the strongest man who ever lived. Yet he was no match for Delilah, who persistently wore him down and finally did him in.

But a good woman can make her man a far better man than he would ever be on his own. Proverbs 31:12 says that a godly woman brings her husband good, not evil, all the days of his life.

Ladies, the key to your influence in a man’s life centers around the biblical idea of blessing. Many women approach marriage with the idea that they’re going to change their husband. They’re going to take away his bad habits; they’re going to make him kinder and gentler and more sensitive, and so on.

So they make a kind of a project out of him. They try to domesticate him and train him. But then they get frustrated when they see so little change happening in his life.

*Listen to me ladies. If you don’t get anything else out of this sermon, please get this.

As a woman, it is not your job to change your husband.

It is your job to be a blessing to him, and let God change him. And if you make up your mind to be a blessing to your husband, you will create the kind of conditions in his heart that will make him more open to the changes that God wants to make in him.

Let’s go back to the book of Genesis and see how this works. The first chapter of Genesis describes how God created the heavens and the earth. And six times––one for each creation day––the Bible says “and God saw that it was good”, culminating with verse 31…

Genesis 1:31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.

But then we come to chapter 2:18, and we see the first inkling in all of creation that something was NOT good.

Genesis 2:18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Now the word “helper” is an interesting word. Sometimes we use the word helper in a subordinate sense. The contractor who does renovations on your house may have a helper with him––a guy who is sort of a “gofer”. He’s not as smart, not as skilled, not as experienced as the boss, so that’s why he’s the “helper”.

That is not the way the word is used here in Genesis 2. The Hebrew word means literally “one who completes”. So that means that, on his own without a helper, Adam was incomplete. And that means that the helper God made for him was not just window-dressing—not just an ornament that he could add to his already complete life. The human helper that God created was essential to his becoming all that God intended him to be.

And there’s no sense of inferiority about this word “helper” either, because this same word is used elsewhere in the Bible to describe none other than God Himself.

“The Lord is my helper…” the Psalmist says. No sense of inferiority about this word at all. It is an honorable role––a role of great power and influence. And this is what God created woman to be. He created her to be man’s helper.

Notice that God created the helper to be a female. God didn’t create another man to be Adams’ helper. He didn’t create Steve, he created Eve–a female. Adam needed a woman to be his helper.

Now look at the way that God created Eve. Pick it up at verse 21…

So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”

When God created Adam, he created him from out of the dust of the earth. He could have done that for Eve too. But he didn’t. When he created Eve, he created her out of Adam’s flesh––literally from out of his side. Why did he do it that way?

To demonstrate that her purpose was to be at his side. She was a part of him. Without her, he’s incomplete. With her at his side, he’s complete. And together they are one. They are a unit. She was made from his matter and matched with his heart.

Notice that v. 22 says that “God brought her to the man”. This is a picture of God’s sovereignty. When Adam goes to sleep, he’s alone. When he wakes up, he’s no longer alone, because God has been at work. This is a picture of the sovereignty of God in his life. Adam didn’t go out and find Eve on his own––God made her for him and brought her to him.

And God is just as sovereign today. He’s always working on our behalf—even when we’re unaware of it. If you are a single, you may be thinking “God, who am I going to marry? Who is going to be my life partner?” And you may think that it’s up to you to go out and find that special person. No it’s not. If you will trust God, God will bring that special person into your life, just like he brought Eve to Adam.

And you married women, I want you to realize that God brought you to your husband so that you could be a blessing to him. You say: “How can I do that? How can I be a blessing to my husband?”

There are three ways. Respect him, encourage him, and seek to be his complement.

1. Respect him

One of a man’s greatest inner needs is to be respected. To be admired, to be looked up to.

Three years ago, the United States Navy was rocked to its core by a shocking event. It wasn’t an enemy attack; it wasn’t an act of terrorism; it wasn’t a disaster at sea. It was a very human tragedy involving its #1 officer, an admiral named Michael Boorda.

Mike Boorda was an outstanding individual. He entered the Navy as an enlisted man and, over the next 40 years, he rose like a rocket through the ranks until he had become the highest-ranking admiral in the Navy. He was the first enlisted man ever to rise to the Navy’s top spot—the Chief of Naval Operations. The entire U.S. Navy was under his command.

He was an officer who was admired by his men, appreciated by his superiors, and respected by his colleagues. And yet three years ago, on a warm spring afternoon in Washington D.C., Admiral Mike Boorda left his office, went home, put a gun to his chest, and pulled the trigger.

You say “What would cause such an outstanding man who had achieved so much in his career to do such a thing?” Well, the reason was quite revealing of men in general and that man in particular.

You see, Mike Boorda left a suicide note. And in that note, he revealed that he was concerned that he may have wrongly worn two small combat decorations on his uniform that, under U.S. Navy regulations, he wasn’t actually entitled to wear. And, rather than face the possibility of that being discovered by the media, and fearing the disgrace and humiliation that would ensue, he took his own life.

That’s how much the admiral feared losing the respect of those he found significant.

Every man desires respect and recognition. Every man wants to make his mark. Every man wants to strive for lasting achievement—to do something with his life that will make an impact.

Some men use athletics as the means to that end. If they cannot excel at a particular sport, then they make it their business to know more about that sport than anyone else. Other men use money. They give themselves to making it and spending it with flair. Some men look to the world of ideas—they become the scholars, the philosophers, the scientists of the world. Other men become builders—they build not only buildings, but businesses and empires. All because of this drive to make a lasting impact.

One of a man’s basic inner needs is the reassurance that he is, indeed, significant. In a book called “Rocking the Roles” authors Robert Lewis and William Hendricks state that a man has two mirrors of significance in his life. One of those mirrors is his work; the other is his wife.

Looking into those mirrors, he seeks to find answers to questions of his own identity, worth, and meaning. Both of those mirrors reflect back to him strong messages about his manhood. And over time, what he receives from them will spell the difference between a life of satisfaction and a life of deep frustration.

Of those two mirrors, you as a woman are by far the most important. The messages you give your man in terms of your respect for him are vital. Does he sense that you think of him as your hero? Does he think that you believe him to be your champion?

For all our gruff exterior, we men have egos that are as thin as eggshells. We are easily broken, easily dispirited. We need to know that the woman in our life doesn’t just love us and depend on us. We need to know that she admires us as well.

A woman can make no more devastating mistake than to tear down her husband with snide comments, sarcasm, or nagging.

Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death

And sometimes, ladies, you can kill your man’s spirit with your tongue. A man who is not admired and respected at home will begin to look elsewhere for that need to be met in his life. And that can have devastating consequences for all concerned.

One very important way that you can respect your husband is to let him be the leader in your relationship. This has a double benefit. It frees your husband to rise to the challenge for which God created him, and it frees you to be the person God designed you to be.

Show me a woman who is the leader in her marriage, and I’ll show you a very unhappy woman. Her own insecurity and fear and lack of trust in God and in her husband, may cause her to seize control of the leadership role in their marriage. And in the process of doing so, she will lose respect for her husband, and she will also lose respect for the God who gave her her husband

Ladies, don’t let your inner need for security and stability turn you into a control freak in your marriage. Trust God enough to let your husband be the leader in your home. That’s who God made him to be.

2. Encourage him

The word encourage means literally “to give courage”. One of the greatest gifts you can give to your man is the gift of courage. Show him that you believe in him—that you are confident in him—that in your eyes, he’s a winner.

Don’t stomp all over his dreams. Don’t pour cold water on his hopes, his aspirations. Don’t think, as some women do, that it is your job to throw a wet blanket over his ideas. You’ll suck the initiative right out of him; you’ll extinguish the fire in his belly and you’ll end up with a couch potato for a husband.

Ladies, it can be tough to be a man in today’s world. The modern workplace can be very cruel. Many men know what it is to work hard and diligently and faithfully, only to be downsized, or laid off, or replaced. Cut backs, reorganizations, and mergers make you wonder if your job will be the next to go.

In todays’ workplace, the higher you go and the more seniority you have, the more vulnerable your position becomes.

It’s a highly competitive dog-eat-dog world out there, and your man needs all the encouragement he can get. And the best place for him to get it is from you—his wife. Does he feel free to share his fears with you; his inner insecurities, knowing that you will not betray his trust, and not think less of him for doing so?

About a hundred years ago, a poet wrote these words:

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with another person.

Having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out

Just as they are, chaff and grain together––

Certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,

Keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.

Woman, be an encouragement to your man!

3. Seek to be his complement

Remember, Genesis 2 taught us that Eve was the complement of Adam. Like two pieces of a jig-saw puzzle that fit perfectly together, she brought a completion to his being. She had qualities that he needed, and vice versa.

God brought you to your man for the same reason. You have the qualities that he needs. God, in His sovereignty, brought you together to be a team, and you are an essential half of that team.

A man needs his wife to help him in many areas. A woman has many strengths that a man doesn’t have. For example, a woman has eyes that can see right into a person’s heart. You women are so much more attuned to the unspoken needs and feelings and hurts of people than we men are.

Men tend to function on the level of facts, and data, and logic. Women are so much more tuned in to all the other stuff that makes up life.

A woman can often intuitively size up a situation more quickly and accurately than a man can. While a man is processing the facts of a situation, like a number-crunching computer, she is picking up the “atmospherics”, the ambiance, the emotional tone.

A man and a woman can listen to the same conversation and come out with two totally different impressions of what was being said. The man tends to listen only to the words that are being spoken and interprets them. But a woman listens not only to the words, but also to the tone of voice, to the mannerisms, to the emotional state of the speaker.

So women, we need you. We need you to be our complement. Don’t undervalue the gifts that God has given you; the way that God has made you. He did it so that together with your husband, you could be a team.

You can be a great blessing to your husband if you respect him; encourage him, and seek to be his complement.

As unto the bow the cord is

So unto man is woman;

Tho’ she bends him,

She obeys him.

Tho’ she draws him,

Yet she follows;

Useless each without the other.

Ladies, make up your mind that from this day on, you’ll be a blessing to your husband and give God room to work in his life.

So have a great Father’s Day, and ladies––don’t make too much of a fuss, okay?